Journal entry 13 - Surprise, surprise, surprise!!

1. Gee, what would surprise me now compared to in August?  I guess the fact that I have made it through with my brain fairly in tact.  I would be totally surprised that I had gain some weight an not kept up with my swimming.  That is a little disappointing. I worked so hard to loose it last year and now it is back.  I do understand that because of my heavy work load that I did not have the time to put in to the swimming.  Like right now, as I am typing this blog, I should be swimming.  I just don't have enough hours in the day to finish everything.   I know that after I graduate, then my life should be a little more normal and I will have time to spend with my swimming as well as my filming. This has been the hardest semester for me and I was hoping it would get a little easier.  As far as my "artistic" thinking, that has changed radically.  I have never though of myself as an artist and after reading that book, I can truthfully say that I am an artist.   So, now when people ask me about what I do, I can say that I am an artist.  That gives me a good feeling and that really surprises me!

2. Hmm, since the beginning of my college career? That was quite awhile ago - eight years to be exact.  When I started college, at Baton Rouge Community College, I just took one English class and that was right after my knee replacement, I went to class on a walker because I was still learning how to walk again.  I wasn't sure I could even do this "college thing."  The last time I was in college was in 1980.   I wasn't sure that I could handle the work load.  For six years, I made it through BRCC taking one or two classes at a time.  When I decided to go full time at LSU, to be honest, I was terrified that I couldn't handle it. After all, I'm not as young as I used to be and my energy level is not what it used to be.   If I could have seen myself now - back then, I would be completely, totally, unbelievably surprise.  I would have never guessed that I could do such a thing.  I had been a terrible student when I was in high school and I never would have thought that I could have the GPA and be able to handle so many classes.  I never thought I would ever get my BA in anything.  It has been so hard for me.  My husband tells me that if it was easy, everyone would do it.  That is some comfort. Getting my BA is a dream come true that I have waited 39 years for.

3. I can't really think of anything right now that I haven't already mentioned that really surprises me. To be honest, my life is pretty much the same as far as my relationships go.  My husband and I have had a hard time with my crazy schedule, but that will change after school.  He understands what school means to me and is very patient and supportive. Like I said earlier, I now see myself as an artist and that has changed. Now that I have earned my BA, I can see myself going on to get an MFA in film production at UNO.  I never thought that would be possible.  Of course, I am going to take a long well deserved break (and try to pay off my school bills).  I don't see myself getting into the film business.  If I was younger, maybe.  I am looking forward to traveling with my husband.  Our church is planning a trip to Greece and surrounding areas tracing Paul's missionary path.  I am hoping we can get enough money to make that trip!  It is next March.  I plan on bringing my camera and making a film about it.  It would be a good film to use as a audition film for UNO!  This has been a really good class and I have enjoyed it.

Journey entry 12 - magic wand

If I had a magic wand to get rid of annoying things, especially in television, it would be laugh tracks in sit-coms.  It can't stand listening to a laugh track when the joke or situation is not funny.  Does adding a laugh track suppose to make people laugh?  What is worse is the exact same laugh track over multiple shows and the same one on different shows.  I have stopped watching most sit-coms for that very reason.  Maybe because I am older, but I remember when sit-coms were taped live and the audience that was is the studio had real reactions to the actors performances.  Even the "variety" shows like  Carol Burnett were taped live.  You can watch them now as reruns and they are still funny making them timeless.

For example - check out this link:

Carol Burnett Show - Dentist

Since this clip was filmed live, the actors themselves couldn't keep a straight face which made it all the more funny!

As far as LSU goes, it would be nice to see the plays and shows (especially the comedies) filmed with live audiences.  I know the department is building their archives and this would be important when it comes to the editing process to let the live audience sound stay in the final version.

It would be nicer to see more original plays or footage produced at LSU. Maybe a "Creative script/screenwriting" class would help.  I know that LSU has screenwriting classes now and I'm not sure how much of the "creative" part is emphasized or how much of the script form is taught.  Maybe this is an area that needs further attention. I would to see more all round fun productions whether they are on film or in the theatre.  I get so tired of the same old tragic stories whether they are tragic love stories, or action dramas.  Why can't there be just some fun films.

My third magic wand trick would to make plays and film with less bad language.  There are so many good stories to be told that can be done without all the bad language.  As a rule, my husband and I will not go to an "R" rated movie because of that very reason.  I know I have to watch movies and plays with bad language in them for school, but I don't always like what I hear.  It seems to me to be a lack of creative writing in the script to have to put the "MF" word so many times.  I had to screen a movie for one of my classes at BRCC.  The teacher asked me if we liked or didn't like the movie and why and not "just because."  I said I didn't like it because of the lack of creativity in the language.  She accepted my answer.  The answer to this could be the same as in my second pet peeve, to have more "creative" writing courses available at LSU.   It seems to me that some of the best plays and movies were made when there was sensors to limit the amount of cussing in them.

Journal entry 11 - restoration

To rejuvenate myself means usually baking something, cookies, pies, or whatever. That seems to be my "security" in which I am doing something that I love to do and I feel like I am accomplishing something, although it is not so great for my waistline.  Baking makes me very happy and I wish I had more time to spend on my baking.  I even used to bake bread about once a week.  The problem with baking bread is that it takes up so much time and I just don't have the time for it any more, mainly because of school.

Artistically, it depends on which artistic thing I want to do.  When I want to choreograph a skating program for my students, I will listen to a lot of different pieces of music with my student in mind and try to pick out the best music to fit their personality.   Then, I love to spend some time on the ice, skating around listening to the music to get inspired about which moves to choreograph for the program.  I don't get much time to just skate for me and I definitely do more if I am able to.

For my lighting design, I will spend time reading the script and/or the story to dream about how it should look on the set.  When I am designing the lights for our church plays, I will play with the light board to find the best way to help tell the story with the lights.

When I am getting ready to film,  I will spend time looking for interesting shots in which to film.  I also love to watch movies.  I don't always get the time to go see movies.  My husband and I will watch movies and shows on Netflix.  I know it is not the best thing as far as the "Artist Date," however, I did find time during the spring break to watch the Godfather trilogy on AMC.   I love this series of movies and well done they were made.  Since becoming a film student, I look at movies in a whole new way.  

During spring break, I also spent a great deal of time working on my documentary for the film festival.  This was great for my artistic side in that it wasn't just for a class, but for me.  With all the projects I've done in the past 2 years, it has been difficult to anything just for me.  I don't know how good it is but, even if it isn't my best, it was still a learning experience that I enjoyed.  It is really hard to pick one specific thing that I would or should do to rejuvenate me.  I think once I am finished with school, I would have more time to really devote to spending time to rejuvenate my artistic self. I know that seems like an excuse, but the fact is that there is just not enough hours in a day to do everything I would like to do.

Journey entry 10 - Advice

Dear future student,

First of all, let me let you know that I'm an older student so much of my advice comes from years of experience.   Please excuse me if I sound like your mother as I am probably the same age or older.

Anyway,  here goes.  I know four years of college seems like an eternity!  It will go by faster than you think!  It is important that you follow through with what ever you say or plan on doing.  School costs a lot of money, so show up for class and do all your homework.  Don't waste your time or the professor's time.  The same holds true for any productions or projects you will work on.  Make sure people can depend on you when you say that you will be there to work or that you will complete your part of a project.  Even though this is a school environment, it doesn't mean that you can "fake" your way through it.  You are developing your life skills in this environment.  For example, if you can't show up on time for your class, project, rehearsal, or production, then how can any one in the "outside" world will be able to trust you or depend on you.  Develop a good work attitude! Hang in there! You have the rest of your lives to pursue your other desires.

Always have a professional attitude!  Be kind to each other and make friends that will last a lifetime. These friends may be the ones you will work with in your chosen field.  When ever difficult or unpleasant things happen, don't worry about it.  Try to find a positive solution. Don't let "things"  or things people say get you down.  Try to look at the bigger picture.  Take it with a grain of salt and by that I mean,  any criticism  or comments that you get, take what is helpful to you and don't worry about the petty things.  You can't please everybody all the time.  As long as you are doing what you feel is right in your heart - go with it.  In other words, don't sweat the small stuff!

Learn everything that you can!  Don't be afraid to try new things.  Sometimes, that is where you may find your niche or your perfect job.  Ask as many questions as you can!  It doesn't matter if the question seems stupid, ask anyway.   Don't be afraid to ask for help! Don't be afraid to ask if you can do something (whatever). Whether they say yes or no, it doesn't hurt to ask.  You will find the professors (especially in the theatre dept) will always find the time to talk to you and that they really care about you!

For the Film and Television students - This one is for you!  You are just getting into this program at LSU at an exciting time!  We are getting more equipment in and more classes for film.  When I came here, there was hardly anything at all.  I didn't understand why I had to take all the theatre classes.  Yes, it does sound like it doesn't fit - however - many of the classes are now beginning to talk about film in them.  Be patient, more and better classes are coming your way!!  For me, I decided to get the best of both worlds,  I was a theatre major with a Film and Media Arts minor.  I was able to make films in both areas.  The things you will learn about theatre will transfer to film - just wait and see!!!

Finally, the best thing I can say for you is to HAVE FUN! I tell my children and grandchildren this all the time.  Find something you really enjoy and make a career out of it.  If that means working in the theatre, go for it!  If that means making films, go for it!  What ever makes you happy! Go for it!!  If it's not fun, what is the point of doing it!  When your "job" is fun, it will not seem like a job!  Yes, you may be tired from all the rehearsals, climbing the catwalks with lights, hauling film equipment around all day and night, but at the end of the day, you can go to bed with a smile on you face knowing that you are doing what you love to do!

Journal Entry 9

I have always had a low self-esteem of myself.  I don't know why,  I just have.  We moved a lot when I was growing up and I never had a chance to get to know myself as a person.  I know that sounds weird.  Let me explain.  I was born in the north (living as a northern child) then moved to the south, (now I had to become someone else - ie. "southern") and finally move back north again (back to becoming northern again - "God forbid" that I had a southern accent).  I never quite knew how to see myself.  Most of the time, the kids at school would relentlessly tease me about how I talked or acted or looked.  I was one of those kids who had acne early and they teased my about my complexion.  (of course later, when they started to have complexion problems, they stopped teasing me about that) I never thought I was pretty and was not confident in any of my abilities.  By the time I started to take serious ice skating lessons,  my confidence began to improve.  However,  in the early 1970s when I took a skating dance test and failed (by very little), the judge told me that he would have passed me if I was 10 pounds lighter.  I was devastated! I was a naive teenager and didn't know better than to tell someone what he said. I was so hurt by what people said about me and took it too seriously.

My self-esteem improved greatly when I became a Christian.  However, it was not an short easy process. It's taken a lot of prayer and trusting in God to help me through my low self-esteem issues. I had to read many scriptures  and "mantras" (if you will) to myself to help "me" change my thinking about myself.  For example - I would say, "I am a child of God.  He loves me, and wants the best for me.  God made me and He doesn't make bad or ugly things."

As I've gotten older, my self-esteem has improved.  At this point in my life, I really don't care what people say about me.  I've learned to let all the bad influences roll off my back like water on a duck's back.   I've learned to accept my abilities (even though sometimes, they are limited) know the reality of them.   Sometimes, I fall back into my old bad habits of low self-esteem, but I daily have to remind myself that I am worth it or God wouldn't have anything to do with me.

My husband tells me often how much he loves me and how pretty I am.  I sometimes still have a hard time believing it.  He is always reassuring me.  It helps to have someone close to you that can be a confidence builder for you when you are tired and don't have the strength to do it yourself.  I know that every time I accomplish something, it will build my confidence and my abilities.  Getting my degree is a big achievement for me and I know when I walk down that stage and receive my degree, I will feel totally full of self-worth!

Journal entry 7 - Mind the Software

It is interesting that Dr. Fletcher thinks of your upbringing as writing the software of your brain.  I'v never thought about it like that.  However,  if my brain is such a "software," how would I rewrite it and in what capacity.  There are so many areas in which I was raised that are so different from people in the south.  It might as well be two different countries as far as I am concerned.  I grew up in a primarily white upper middle class family.  I saw my first black person when I was in high school.  We were not taught any racism in our family. The black person I knew was a girl we ice-skated with.  Her parents were well educated Princeton University professors and I thought all black people were "the same as us" in that they were well educated and lived at the same standard as us (the white upper middle class).  I didn't know any poor people (white or black) and nothing to compare them too.  So, in a sense, my "mind software" thought all people were the same. It was not until I moved to the south that I experienced racist comments (things I heard from older white people say) about black people.  I do not consider myself at all racist, and I didn't understand fully why these people felt this way.  In some respects, I or I mean my husband has experience a reverse racism.  By this I mean, that my husband has.  When he applied to the post office for a job,  he was told that he could never get in because he was not black and a woman.  He was told that on several occasions.  Now I know that sounds ridiculous, but in some respects it was true.  When he did finally get the job (mainly because his test scores were so high due to extra points added because of his military service),  he was different a minority.  Most of the people he worked with were black and female.  

It also seems to me that blacks and many minorities as well as the poor have more advantages than whites (male or female).  When I tried to get some scholarship money to help pay for school,  I was told that if I had any American Indian blood in me, if I was a single parent on a fixed income, or if we didn't make too much money,  I could get all kind of financial help.  There is so much money out there for the poor to go to college and as a "white middle class" woman there is virtually nothing.  It doesn't matter that I pay for my school out of my lousy $12,000 a year (which is well below poverty level) because they look at what we both make together instead of just what I make. Even still, what we make together is just barely above the "line" on what qualifies for a grant.  When it comes to certain things, the poor have more advantages that the middle class.

I remember when cell phones first came out.  I was in the grocery store and we were barely making ends meet.  Tollie had just gotten hired at the post office and money was still tight.  I stood in line and watched the person in front of me pay for her food with food stamps and was talking on a cell phone.  I couldn't understand how she could afford a cell phone and have food stamps and I could barely afford our food and was not qualified for food stamps much less a cell phone.

Over the years, it seems my mind's software has changed although I'm so sure it is for the best.  I am constantly trying to keep an open mind. I didn't mean to vent so much, but maybe that is a way of helping  me to retrain my mind by getting all this frustration of how things are so my mind can change its software.

Short & Sweet Synchronous

There have been so many instances in my life of synchronous that it is hard to pick out one.  Most of them are small things that don't seem that important. However, there is the one time when my husband Tollie and I decided to move to Louisiana in 1982.  This instance of synchronous happen though a space of time and not all at once.  We had both been living and working in a full-time, live-in, communal type of ministry in southern California.  We had only been married for a couple of years and had a 3 month old baby, a pet rat, and a cockatiel.  We had very little furniture in our very small apt.  We had to borrow $1000 dollars from Tollie's dad to move to Baton Rouge where Tollie was originally from.  Tollie had no job and we had no place to live.  We moved here on a step of faith.  We ended up living in the utility room in his sister's house.  Before we knew it, Tollie ended up with a job at the Post Office and later, we signed the final papers on a house that we had built.  As a matter of fact, we signed the papers exactly fours to the exact day that we arrived in Baton Rouge.  God has been so good to us.  Our house is not much to look at, but is is paid off!!

I can also think of another occasion of synchronous that has happen.  I home-schooled my kid for twenty years.  In the beginning when we were still struggling for money to live on, much less have money for books, there were many times that bad things happened that turned out to be good.  For example,  my husband got into a small car crash. Oh nothing real serious, just a small fender-bender.  Anyway, the insurance on the car gave us enough money to fix the car (with used parts) and have enough left over to pay for the books and curriculum I needed to teach the next year.  So, afterward, whenever anything bad happened,  we always looked for the good because most of the time, we needed something (like money for school or whatever) and God had provided it.  Weird, huh?

Journal entry 6 - Kirya and Time Travel

1. First of all, and kirya's in my life are due to my relationship with Jesus, at least how Cameron defines it as a "spiritual emergency"  or "surrender." I like the term surrender better as that means that every time I have a "kirya,"  it is not always an "emergency."  I have surrendered my life to Christ and that means that I have allowed Him to take control over my life.  I have made that choice. It doesn't mean that I have no control over any part of my life, it just means that I trust Him to help me make the right decisions for me that will ultimately be better for me.  This is referring to many different areas and situations that pop up from time to time.  For example, when Tollie ask to marry me, I knew it was a big decision to make.  I surrendered myself to God, prayed and fasted for a week surrendering myself to God to help me make the right choice and I felt that is was the right  thing to do. After almost 35 years of marriage, I am sure it was the right choice.  When it comes to a major decision, I always surrender myself to God to help me make the right choice.  After which, the "action" takes place when I will follow through on that decision.

2. Time travel to 80?  Since I am over 50, (57 - almost 58 to be exact) that would be easy for me to write about.  At 80, I will be still kicking, skating and traveling.  Yes I know I will be moving slower, but I do not plan on stopping.  I will bring my camera and film all the wonders that I see as I travel around the world. I will enjoy growing older with my loving husband.  We will have many happy years together.  I will have many more fine grandchildren and will love to see them become successful, whether through college or their careers, that is if Jesus tarries.  Here is my letter to myself:

Dear me,  Remember when you were 50 and you decided to go back to college. That was one of the best things you ever did. I would encourage you to continue to to your masters.  Make sure you spend some time slowing down and see the wonders around you.  Don't let your life be too busy.  Enjoy your children and grandchildren.  You will look forward to your 50th wedding anniversary and be able to enjoy it with everybody that you know.   Try to check off as many things on your "bucket list" as you can such as visiting the Grand Canyon on mules, riding a train across the country, visiting every state in the union, visiting other countries and more. Always find the humor in any situation, laugh, cry, love, and enjoy your life.

3. Time travel to 8?  Being 8 years old was a long time ago for me. When I was 8, I loved to ride horses, play outside, climb trees, and play with my electric trains.  I was pretty much a "tom boy."  We play a game called "cars."  What we had to do was skate (roller skate) to the end of the driveway and wait.  When a car started to come down the street, we had to skate as fast as we could and hide behind our parent's car before the car on the road would pass our driveway.  If you were "caught" on the driveway, you had to freeze until another car came by.  We usually played this game at dusk when it was starting to get dark.  That was one of our favorite things to do.  We were always outside playing and very rarely inside in front of the TV, unless it was raining.  Even we had to stay inside, we watch shows such as Howdy Doody, Bozo the Clown, and Captain Kangaroo (all of which were in black and white).  Here is my letter to me at 8:

Dear me, Always find the fun in anything you do.  Never let the "kid" inside of you die.  Look for the good in people, study hard, make as many friends as possible and enjoy life.  Your childhood will go be so fast and before you know it, you are a wife, a mother, and a grandmother.  Enjoy your childhood!

Journal entry 5 -Shame

Shame is something that I  am very familiar with.  When I was young, we moved around quite a bit.  My dad worked for Union Carbide and was constantly transferred to different states.  As a result, I had very few really good friends.  Most of the time the kids at school were always very cruel to me, the "new kid" on the block.  The move from South Carolina to Ohio was the worst for me.  We lived in South Carolina for several years and my brother and I developed a "southern" accent.  As soon as the first day of school started we were constantly teased for our accents.  That shame of being different and speaking different was really hard on me.  Of course the accent quickly left and our pattern of speech changed.  (We no longer said "yes, sir, no sir, etc).  I'm not sure that was just to shame us to speak and behave like them or to "guilt" us into it.   The kids in the school used the "shame on you for speaking that way" to control us and it did affect our behavior just as the quote suggested.  Was my way of speaking embarrassing them?  I really have never thought about it in that way.  I do know my saying "yes sir" to the teachers was a welcome change for them. I'm sure they enjoyed that.  The kids, however, probably thought I was sucking up to the teachers.

Now on the other hand,  in that same school,  I found myself standing up for other people who were mistreated, teased, and shamed.  There was one girl who had bright red hair, braces, and was a little heavy.  They were calling her names, telling her that she was ugly and bad.  I stood up for her and later we became friends at least for a couple of years until I had to move again.  I tried to keep up with her but lost track of her.  She did send me her high school picture and she was so beautiful!  She was truly the ugly duckling that became the swan.  I wonder what those kids who tried to shame her think of her now!  I think bulling is a way that people especially kids try to shame or guilt other kids because they may be different or don't  say or do the same kinds of things they are used to.

Now as far as being a mother,  yes, I can truly say that I am guilty of (sometimes) shaming my children in order to get an appropriate attitude or action from them.  Hopefully, I did it in a gentle way.  Do I think it is appropriate?  As a parent, absolutely YES!  Why?  There are times when it is necessary in order for them to learn the consequences of their actions.  There is a right way and a wrong way to do this.  I don't tell them that they are "bad," but rather help them to understand that what they did (or whatever) is wrong and if they truly did a wrong thing that guilt is a normal way to feel.  If you feel guilty, then hopefully they would learn from that and not do the wrong thing again.  (I would talk to them in private and not in front of other people so as not to shame them.) I don't tell them that they are bad because that implies that they are a bad person.  There is a difference between being a "bad" person and a good person who made a mistake and did something bad.

As far as the professional world goes,  there are times to correct someone's actions, but to shame them in public is not appropriate.  That correction should be done in private. I would never willingly shame a person in front of other people.  If I ever have shamed someone without realizing it, I would hope that person would come up to me and tell me so I could apologize to them.

Journal entry 4 - Crazymakers

Most of the crazymakers in my life are not always in the theater and film. Although, sometimes I encounter them when doing projects for classes.  This usually involves working with group projects.  In these cases, when the crazymaker wants all the attention and wants to "run" the show,  I'll step back and let them take the lead.  I will not compromise  my principles and beliefs.  If whatever they want to do does compromise my principles and beliefs, then I will speak up and say my piece.  I tend to like to sit on the back burner to help keep the peace.   I do not like drama and I will not be a part of it.  Many times it leads to gossip and I will not be a part of gossip nor will I spread it.

Now on my "regular" job (as a retail merchandiser),  I work on my own getting my job schedule and paperwork from the internet.  I do not have to work with other people from my company.  Occasionally, I have team projects in which I have to work with other people from my company.   In these cases, I usually work with my husband which is no problem because we get along together fine.  However, sometimes I have to work with other people in the company and in that case I try to be as professional as possible and not let the drama in their lives disrupt my work ethic.  There is one lady I work with several times, and she is always having crazymaker drama issues.  If we are on the phone I will politely listen and then I will tell her that I need to go and do whatever.  There is just so much drama I can take. She tends to like to vent on me about all of her problems.  I understand that sometimes people need to vent and I will be patient to let her say her piece.  Telling her that I am busy and need to go is not telling her a lie because I usually am real busy with school and all. However, I will not let it ruin my day.

In my personal life,  there are not that many crazymakers.  Except of course my middle son.  There is so much drama in his life that it is not funny.  Most of his drama is what he made for himself.  I try very hard not to let it frazzle me and try to deal with it one day at a time.  Right now, it is trying to clean out his house before he loses everything (because he is in jail and his lease is up this month).  I think it bothers my husband more than me.  I've learned to just accept the fact that he just does not have it together yet although he has been getting better about it.   We, my husband and I, are expected to "come to the rescue" every time he gets into trouble.  Well, this time we told him that there is no more money to bail him out and that he just may have to serve his time.  It is our way of practicing "tough love." I still want to help which is why we are moving his stuff so he doesn't loose it.  I don't want to sound like he is my only crazymaker, but he is the one I am dealing with at present.

Sometimes, I think that there is a little bit of a crazymaker in all of us.  We may not always let it show but at times he/she may try to raise its ugly head up.  We the crazymaker in me tries to pop up,  I don't always realize it until someone says something to me.  I try not to let my crazymaker stay on the surface too long because I understand that it is not good for the relationships in my life.  I would hope that anyone who notices any crazymaker symptoms popping up in me would tell me right away.  I don't want to be a crazymaker!

Journal Entry 3 - Censors & Critics

I can't really think of a time which I was "rocked" by any feedback. When I was much, much younger there may have been a time that rocked me. Most of the time, as a youth, I was the person that most people didn't want to "hang around with."  I was always the last one to be picked for a team.  I was constantly told I was ugly and I wouldn't make good with my life.  I was told by my mom that I wasn't going to be a good dancer (which I wanted to be at that time). That probably hurt me the most.  I was a fairly descent dancer at the time and was told by my teachers that I had a good potential for a career as a dancer.  Notice the picture of me dancing.  I did love it.  I wanted to study in New York with Martha Graham's company.  Besides dancing I  was also involved with Three Day Eventing.  If you don't know what that is - it is horse back riding and involves three events -  Dressage,  Show Jumping and Cross-country Jumping. I also wanted to compete in the Olympics in Equestrian events.  I had a job at a stable and worked for my lessons by cleaning stalls and grooming horses because my parents didn't approve of my riding. They rarely came to my shows and the one time my mom came, she overheard someone talking about how good my riding was.  They didn't realize that it was my mom standing next to them.  Just for fun, I tried out for the LSU Equestrian Team a year and a half ago.  I knew I wasn't going to make the team, but I tried anyway, despite the fact that I haven't been on a horse for 40 years.    It's funny, I tried to find some pictures of me riding when I was younger.  There weren't any.  Does that show how much I was encouraged or discouraged to continue riding.  It makes you wonder - how the amount of pictures you have showing your interests and how much you were encouraged about it or not.  The pictures from the dance were taken by the school and they gave them to me later.  My parents never took any pictures of me dancing.  I guess the way I a handled it was to eventually quit. Now that my body is older and doesn't move so well, those dreams will never come to pass.  The message I got from my parents was to quit these activities.  As a naive teenager, I listened to them. As an adult,  I try to do things I would like to do but never had the chance or the encouragement to do, like getting my college degree.

For the underclassmen - I would say,  listen to your heart!  If there is something you truly want to do or try - go for it!  Don't let other people tell you that you can't!  You are only young once and time flies by so fast!  There may be a day when you are physically unable to do what you want - dance, silks, act, climb the catwalk, or whatever.  I don't know why I waited so long to complete my dreams.  Sometimes your inner censor will say that you can't or make you afraid.  I've told my kids "to find something that they love and make a career out of it."  That would be my "catch phrase" that you could live by.  Try everything that interests you.  If you thought you would like one thing, tried it and found you didn't like it - don't do it! Try different things and find what you like and go for it!

In this picture - I am the one in the middle, in front - Short hair!  This was in 1976!  This was in the yearbook - that's why I'm in the "crack" between the pages.

         

This is me with long braids!  Taken in 1974!

Journal Entry 2 - Fear

Fear is something that I really don't think too much about.  It doesn't mean that I'm not afraid sometimes, it just means that I've learned to deal with my fear. Once again, and I'm not preaching again,  I often look to the Bible to find answers about such questions.  It's just part of my faith.   The Bible says that the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.  In this case, fearing God is a kind of healthy fear which is the same as a respect for God. In the same sense, it is the same as a fear of different things being  a good thing.  For example, fear of burning your hand if you touch a hot stove will keep you from getting burned. A fear of poisonous snakes will make you more aware and careful of them if you decide to go hiking in an area that may have poisonous snakes.  Fear of the consequences of your actions (especially if they are illegal actions) may be enough to keep you from doing the the wrong thing.  For example, fear of getting a speeding ticket will keep you from driving too fast.  These kinds of fear are healthy.

It's the kind of unhealthy fear that is often the problem.  If you have a desire to be an actress and you are too afraid to get in front of people or a camera, that could be a big problem as far as a career in acting goes.  Now this kind of fear could be the agent in which you strive to overcome in which case you could continue for an acting career.  It is when you allow the fear to take control and you back away from the thing you want to do.   For a long time, I was afraid of heights.  Several times, I had the opportunity to go para-sailing.  After about 3 years,  I finally got up the nerve to try it. I got on that boat, strapped on the parachute and went up about 400 feet above the water while being pulled by the boat.  I can't describe the amazing things I saw while up there.  If I had not overcome my fear of heights, I would have missed an experience that I will never forget. Ever since then, heights don't bother me as much which helped me while I was working on the cat walks in the Reilly theater.

I used to be afraid of being in front of people (sometimes I still am).  I started to interpret sign language at church several years ago.  I remember the first time I got up in front of people to sign.  We were going to Bethany World Prayer Center at the time.  The sanctuary held about 3 thousand people.  I was only interpreting for just a few people but I had to stand in front of those 3 thousand people.  I was terrified!  I made myself continue even though my knees were knocking under my skirt and I was sweating like crazy.  I made it through and forced myself to continue signing for services.  I eventually got over my fear.  Later, I had an opportunity to interpret for Cornerstone Music Festival in Bushnell Illinois for their 20th anniversary concerts.  I stood on a huge stage in front of 35,000 people and interpreted for whatever deaf people where there.   Was I afraid?  Yes, I was a bit nervous about being in front of so many people!  But, I was confident in my abilities and was able to do my job.  I think that is the best secret of an artist - to be confident in your art and your abilities to overcome any fear or uncertainty that you may have.  The best thing to do when confronted with an unhealthy fear, is to make up your mind to face that fear and overcome it and continue to until you have a victory over that fear.

Journal entry 1 - Anger

Anger is a subject that I don't often talk about. After reading the article about anger,  I realized that I tend to be the "nice person" in that I tend to try to be a peacemaker.   I never used to be that way, that is before I became a Christian.  I was a very angry teenager and didn't know how to handle my anger.  My anger outlet at that time was through substance abuse and at one point in my youth, I even tried suicide (obviously unsuccessfully).   I grew up in a upper-middle class home and my parents tried their best to raise me well.  My father would get angry at times and yell a lot but never abused us.  They never really taught us (my brothers and I) specifically about how to handle anger. When I finally left home was after a huge argument with my dad and he threw me out of the house.  I left very angry and never returned (at least to live).  I did go back to visit.  That is how I handled my anger, by running away from it and didn't want to face it.

My anger issues changed dramatically when I became a Christian.  The teachings in the Bible about anger helped me tremendously.   There are several verses that talk about anger.  Here are a few: "Stop you anger! Turn from your rage!" Ps 37:8 NIV,  "Keep away from angry, short-tempered people" Prov 22:24 NIV,  "Don't be quick-tempered, for anger is the friend of fools. " Ecc. 7:9 NIV,  "A fool gives full vent to anger,  but a wise man quietly holds it back." Prov 29:11 NIV, and my favorite verse is, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger." Prov 15:1 NIV.

Now as far as the article The Dance of Anger goes,  I would be curious as how  Harriet Lerner would respond to these verses.  She would probably say that they are old fashioned and out of date.  I would have to disagree with her on that.  I think if more people practiced these ideas in these verses, they would have less problems in their life.   There is another verse in James 1:19-20 (NIV) that says, "My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God's sight."  This verse could work very well in theatrical situations when there are disagreements.  If the people were "quick to listen and slow to speak," then they could see each other's ideas, whether they were about a scenic design, lighting design or anything else.

Now in my personal life, as a Christian and a wife of 34 1/2 years, I'v learned how to live in a relationship that is fairly stable.  Now I'm not saying that I never get angry,  I've just learned to control it in such a way that it has not been detrimental to our relationship.  There is one verse that both my husband and I follow when we do have disagreements.  It is:

       "And "don't sin by letting anger gain control over you." Don't let the sun go               down while you are still angry,  for anger gives a mighty foothold to the                 Devil.  If you are a thief, stop stealing. Begin using your hands for honest                 work, and then give generously to others in need.  Don't use foul or abusive             language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words 
        will be an encouragement to those who hear them.  And do not bring sorrow
        to God's Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he is the one who 
        has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the 
        day of redemption.  Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, 
        and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior."  
        Eph. 4:26-31 NIV

Now, I've highlighted (in yellow) the part about not letting  "the sun go down while you are still angry" because that helps us to sort out the problem we had disagreed about. Sometimes, it's a matter of agreeing to disagree and leaving it at that.  We both try to do what it says (highlighted in pink) because we want to encourage each other.  Maybe that makes me "the nice lady" or whatever.  Most of all, we put Jesus as the most important person in our marriage knowing if we follow his commandments, that it will all work out for good, arguments and all.