Anger is a subject that I don't often talk about. After reading the article about anger, I realized that I tend to be the "nice person" in that I tend to try to be a peacemaker. I never used to be that way, that is before I became a Christian. I was a very angry teenager and didn't know how to handle my anger. My anger outlet at that time was through substance abuse and at one point in my youth, I even tried suicide (obviously unsuccessfully). I grew up in a upper-middle class home and my parents tried their best to raise me well. My father would get angry at times and yell a lot but never abused us. They never really taught us (my brothers and I) specifically about how to handle anger. When I finally left home was after a huge argument with my dad and he threw me out of the house. I left very angry and never returned (at least to live). I did go back to visit. That is how I handled my anger, by running away from it and didn't want to face it.
My anger issues changed dramatically when I became a Christian. The teachings in the Bible about anger helped me tremendously. There are several verses that talk about anger. Here are a few: "Stop you anger! Turn from your rage!" Ps 37:8 NIV, "Keep away from angry, short-tempered people" Prov 22:24 NIV, "Don't be quick-tempered, for anger is the friend of fools. " Ecc. 7:9 NIV, "A fool gives full vent to anger, but a wise man quietly holds it back." Prov 29:11 NIV, and my favorite verse is, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger." Prov 15:1 NIV.
Now as far as the article The Dance of Anger goes, I would be curious as how Harriet Lerner would respond to these verses. She would probably say that they are old fashioned and out of date. I would have to disagree with her on that. I think if more people practiced these ideas in these verses, they would have less problems in their life. There is another verse in James 1:19-20 (NIV) that says, "My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God's sight." This verse could work very well in theatrical situations when there are disagreements. If the people were "quick to listen and slow to speak," then they could see each other's ideas, whether they were about a scenic design, lighting design or anything else.
Now in my personal life, as a Christian and a wife of 34 1/2 years, I'v learned how to live in a relationship that is fairly stable. Now I'm not saying that I never get angry, I've just learned to control it in such a way that it has not been detrimental to our relationship. There is one verse that both my husband and I follow when we do have disagreements. It is:
"And "don't sin by letting anger gain control over you." Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil. If you are a thief, stop stealing. Begin using your hands for honest work, and then give generously to others in need. Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words
will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow
to God's Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he is the one who
has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the
day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words,
and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior."
Eph. 4:26-31 NIV
Now, I've highlighted (in yellow) the part about not letting "the sun go down while you are still angry" because that helps us to sort out the problem we had disagreed about. Sometimes, it's a matter of agreeing to disagree and leaving it at that. We both try to do what it says (highlighted in pink) because we want to encourage each other. Maybe that makes me "the nice lady" or whatever. Most of all, we put Jesus as the most important person in our marriage knowing if we follow his commandments, that it will all work out for good, arguments and all.
Hey, Sue--
ReplyDeleteI'd encourage you to read more of Lerner's _Dance of Anger_ (or one of her follow-up books like _Dance of Connection_). I can't speak for her of course, but having read more of her I don't think she'd dismiss the verses you mention. She'd probably point out, though, that it's difficult to command someone not to get angry--full stop. We get angry like we get thirsty--whether we want to or not. The key is what you do with that anger. Someone whose anger defines them, Lerner might suggest, is perhaps not attending to the problems that create the anger-making situations. They vent out their anger (i.e., they have a short temper, fly off the handle, etc.) instead of working to identify and fix what it is that's making them angry in the first place. In that respect, certainly she'd endorse the advise that being angry in and of itself solves nothing. The problem--one I know I struggle with from my faith background--is in thinking that feeling anger in and of itself is sinful. It's the difference, I suppose, between feeling/acknowledging anger on the one hand and getting mired in it on the other.