Shame is something that I am very familiar with. When I was young, we moved around quite a bit. My dad worked for Union Carbide and was constantly transferred to different states. As a result, I had very few really good friends. Most of the time the kids at school were always very cruel to me, the "new kid" on the block. The move from South Carolina to Ohio was the worst for me. We lived in South Carolina for several years and my brother and I developed a "southern" accent. As soon as the first day of school started we were constantly teased for our accents. That shame of being different and speaking different was really hard on me. Of course the accent quickly left and our pattern of speech changed. (We no longer said "yes, sir, no sir, etc). I'm not sure that was just to shame us to speak and behave like them or to "guilt" us into it. The kids in the school used the "shame on you for speaking that way" to control us and it did affect our behavior just as the quote suggested. Was my way of speaking embarrassing them? I really have never thought about it in that way. I do know my saying "yes sir" to the teachers was a welcome change for them. I'm sure they enjoyed that. The kids, however, probably thought I was sucking up to the teachers.
Now on the other hand, in that same school, I found myself standing up for other people who were mistreated, teased, and shamed. There was one girl who had bright red hair, braces, and was a little heavy. They were calling her names, telling her that she was ugly and bad. I stood up for her and later we became friends at least for a couple of years until I had to move again. I tried to keep up with her but lost track of her. She did send me her high school picture and she was so beautiful! She was truly the ugly duckling that became the swan. I wonder what those kids who tried to shame her think of her now! I think bulling is a way that people especially kids try to shame or guilt other kids because they may be different or don't say or do the same kinds of things they are used to.
Now as far as being a mother, yes, I can truly say that I am guilty of (sometimes) shaming my children in order to get an appropriate attitude or action from them. Hopefully, I did it in a gentle way. Do I think it is appropriate? As a parent, absolutely YES! Why? There are times when it is necessary in order for them to learn the consequences of their actions. There is a right way and a wrong way to do this. I don't tell them that they are "bad," but rather help them to understand that what they did (or whatever) is wrong and if they truly did a wrong thing that guilt is a normal way to feel. If you feel guilty, then hopefully they would learn from that and not do the wrong thing again. (I would talk to them in private and not in front of other people so as not to shame them.) I don't tell them that they are bad because that implies that they are a bad person. There is a difference between being a "bad" person and a good person who made a mistake and did something bad.
As far as the professional world goes, there are times to correct someone's actions, but to shame them in public is not appropriate. That correction should be done in private. I would never willingly shame a person in front of other people. If I ever have shamed someone without realizing it, I would hope that person would come up to me and tell me so I could apologize to them.
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