Journal entry 13 - Surprise, surprise, surprise!!

1. Gee, what would surprise me now compared to in August?  I guess the fact that I have made it through with my brain fairly in tact.  I would be totally surprised that I had gain some weight an not kept up with my swimming.  That is a little disappointing. I worked so hard to loose it last year and now it is back.  I do understand that because of my heavy work load that I did not have the time to put in to the swimming.  Like right now, as I am typing this blog, I should be swimming.  I just don't have enough hours in the day to finish everything.   I know that after I graduate, then my life should be a little more normal and I will have time to spend with my swimming as well as my filming. This has been the hardest semester for me and I was hoping it would get a little easier.  As far as my "artistic" thinking, that has changed radically.  I have never though of myself as an artist and after reading that book, I can truthfully say that I am an artist.   So, now when people ask me about what I do, I can say that I am an artist.  That gives me a good feeling and that really surprises me!

2. Hmm, since the beginning of my college career? That was quite awhile ago - eight years to be exact.  When I started college, at Baton Rouge Community College, I just took one English class and that was right after my knee replacement, I went to class on a walker because I was still learning how to walk again.  I wasn't sure I could even do this "college thing."  The last time I was in college was in 1980.   I wasn't sure that I could handle the work load.  For six years, I made it through BRCC taking one or two classes at a time.  When I decided to go full time at LSU, to be honest, I was terrified that I couldn't handle it. After all, I'm not as young as I used to be and my energy level is not what it used to be.   If I could have seen myself now - back then, I would be completely, totally, unbelievably surprise.  I would have never guessed that I could do such a thing.  I had been a terrible student when I was in high school and I never would have thought that I could have the GPA and be able to handle so many classes.  I never thought I would ever get my BA in anything.  It has been so hard for me.  My husband tells me that if it was easy, everyone would do it.  That is some comfort. Getting my BA is a dream come true that I have waited 39 years for.

3. I can't really think of anything right now that I haven't already mentioned that really surprises me. To be honest, my life is pretty much the same as far as my relationships go.  My husband and I have had a hard time with my crazy schedule, but that will change after school.  He understands what school means to me and is very patient and supportive. Like I said earlier, I now see myself as an artist and that has changed. Now that I have earned my BA, I can see myself going on to get an MFA in film production at UNO.  I never thought that would be possible.  Of course, I am going to take a long well deserved break (and try to pay off my school bills).  I don't see myself getting into the film business.  If I was younger, maybe.  I am looking forward to traveling with my husband.  Our church is planning a trip to Greece and surrounding areas tracing Paul's missionary path.  I am hoping we can get enough money to make that trip!  It is next March.  I plan on bringing my camera and making a film about it.  It would be a good film to use as a audition film for UNO!  This has been a really good class and I have enjoyed it.

Journey entry 12 - magic wand

If I had a magic wand to get rid of annoying things, especially in television, it would be laugh tracks in sit-coms.  It can't stand listening to a laugh track when the joke or situation is not funny.  Does adding a laugh track suppose to make people laugh?  What is worse is the exact same laugh track over multiple shows and the same one on different shows.  I have stopped watching most sit-coms for that very reason.  Maybe because I am older, but I remember when sit-coms were taped live and the audience that was is the studio had real reactions to the actors performances.  Even the "variety" shows like  Carol Burnett were taped live.  You can watch them now as reruns and they are still funny making them timeless.

For example - check out this link:

Carol Burnett Show - Dentist

Since this clip was filmed live, the actors themselves couldn't keep a straight face which made it all the more funny!

As far as LSU goes, it would be nice to see the plays and shows (especially the comedies) filmed with live audiences.  I know the department is building their archives and this would be important when it comes to the editing process to let the live audience sound stay in the final version.

It would be nicer to see more original plays or footage produced at LSU. Maybe a "Creative script/screenwriting" class would help.  I know that LSU has screenwriting classes now and I'm not sure how much of the "creative" part is emphasized or how much of the script form is taught.  Maybe this is an area that needs further attention. I would to see more all round fun productions whether they are on film or in the theatre.  I get so tired of the same old tragic stories whether they are tragic love stories, or action dramas.  Why can't there be just some fun films.

My third magic wand trick would to make plays and film with less bad language.  There are so many good stories to be told that can be done without all the bad language.  As a rule, my husband and I will not go to an "R" rated movie because of that very reason.  I know I have to watch movies and plays with bad language in them for school, but I don't always like what I hear.  It seems to me to be a lack of creative writing in the script to have to put the "MF" word so many times.  I had to screen a movie for one of my classes at BRCC.  The teacher asked me if we liked or didn't like the movie and why and not "just because."  I said I didn't like it because of the lack of creativity in the language.  She accepted my answer.  The answer to this could be the same as in my second pet peeve, to have more "creative" writing courses available at LSU.   It seems to me that some of the best plays and movies were made when there was sensors to limit the amount of cussing in them.

Journal entry 11 - restoration

To rejuvenate myself means usually baking something, cookies, pies, or whatever. That seems to be my "security" in which I am doing something that I love to do and I feel like I am accomplishing something, although it is not so great for my waistline.  Baking makes me very happy and I wish I had more time to spend on my baking.  I even used to bake bread about once a week.  The problem with baking bread is that it takes up so much time and I just don't have the time for it any more, mainly because of school.

Artistically, it depends on which artistic thing I want to do.  When I want to choreograph a skating program for my students, I will listen to a lot of different pieces of music with my student in mind and try to pick out the best music to fit their personality.   Then, I love to spend some time on the ice, skating around listening to the music to get inspired about which moves to choreograph for the program.  I don't get much time to just skate for me and I definitely do more if I am able to.

For my lighting design, I will spend time reading the script and/or the story to dream about how it should look on the set.  When I am designing the lights for our church plays, I will play with the light board to find the best way to help tell the story with the lights.

When I am getting ready to film,  I will spend time looking for interesting shots in which to film.  I also love to watch movies.  I don't always get the time to go see movies.  My husband and I will watch movies and shows on Netflix.  I know it is not the best thing as far as the "Artist Date," however, I did find time during the spring break to watch the Godfather trilogy on AMC.   I love this series of movies and well done they were made.  Since becoming a film student, I look at movies in a whole new way.  

During spring break, I also spent a great deal of time working on my documentary for the film festival.  This was great for my artistic side in that it wasn't just for a class, but for me.  With all the projects I've done in the past 2 years, it has been difficult to anything just for me.  I don't know how good it is but, even if it isn't my best, it was still a learning experience that I enjoyed.  It is really hard to pick one specific thing that I would or should do to rejuvenate me.  I think once I am finished with school, I would have more time to really devote to spending time to rejuvenate my artistic self. I know that seems like an excuse, but the fact is that there is just not enough hours in a day to do everything I would like to do.

Journey entry 10 - Advice

Dear future student,

First of all, let me let you know that I'm an older student so much of my advice comes from years of experience.   Please excuse me if I sound like your mother as I am probably the same age or older.

Anyway,  here goes.  I know four years of college seems like an eternity!  It will go by faster than you think!  It is important that you follow through with what ever you say or plan on doing.  School costs a lot of money, so show up for class and do all your homework.  Don't waste your time or the professor's time.  The same holds true for any productions or projects you will work on.  Make sure people can depend on you when you say that you will be there to work or that you will complete your part of a project.  Even though this is a school environment, it doesn't mean that you can "fake" your way through it.  You are developing your life skills in this environment.  For example, if you can't show up on time for your class, project, rehearsal, or production, then how can any one in the "outside" world will be able to trust you or depend on you.  Develop a good work attitude! Hang in there! You have the rest of your lives to pursue your other desires.

Always have a professional attitude!  Be kind to each other and make friends that will last a lifetime. These friends may be the ones you will work with in your chosen field.  When ever difficult or unpleasant things happen, don't worry about it.  Try to find a positive solution. Don't let "things"  or things people say get you down.  Try to look at the bigger picture.  Take it with a grain of salt and by that I mean,  any criticism  or comments that you get, take what is helpful to you and don't worry about the petty things.  You can't please everybody all the time.  As long as you are doing what you feel is right in your heart - go with it.  In other words, don't sweat the small stuff!

Learn everything that you can!  Don't be afraid to try new things.  Sometimes, that is where you may find your niche or your perfect job.  Ask as many questions as you can!  It doesn't matter if the question seems stupid, ask anyway.   Don't be afraid to ask for help! Don't be afraid to ask if you can do something (whatever). Whether they say yes or no, it doesn't hurt to ask.  You will find the professors (especially in the theatre dept) will always find the time to talk to you and that they really care about you!

For the Film and Television students - This one is for you!  You are just getting into this program at LSU at an exciting time!  We are getting more equipment in and more classes for film.  When I came here, there was hardly anything at all.  I didn't understand why I had to take all the theatre classes.  Yes, it does sound like it doesn't fit - however - many of the classes are now beginning to talk about film in them.  Be patient, more and better classes are coming your way!!  For me, I decided to get the best of both worlds,  I was a theatre major with a Film and Media Arts minor.  I was able to make films in both areas.  The things you will learn about theatre will transfer to film - just wait and see!!!

Finally, the best thing I can say for you is to HAVE FUN! I tell my children and grandchildren this all the time.  Find something you really enjoy and make a career out of it.  If that means working in the theatre, go for it!  If that means making films, go for it!  What ever makes you happy! Go for it!!  If it's not fun, what is the point of doing it!  When your "job" is fun, it will not seem like a job!  Yes, you may be tired from all the rehearsals, climbing the catwalks with lights, hauling film equipment around all day and night, but at the end of the day, you can go to bed with a smile on you face knowing that you are doing what you love to do!

Journal Entry 9

I have always had a low self-esteem of myself.  I don't know why,  I just have.  We moved a lot when I was growing up and I never had a chance to get to know myself as a person.  I know that sounds weird.  Let me explain.  I was born in the north (living as a northern child) then moved to the south, (now I had to become someone else - ie. "southern") and finally move back north again (back to becoming northern again - "God forbid" that I had a southern accent).  I never quite knew how to see myself.  Most of the time, the kids at school would relentlessly tease me about how I talked or acted or looked.  I was one of those kids who had acne early and they teased my about my complexion.  (of course later, when they started to have complexion problems, they stopped teasing me about that) I never thought I was pretty and was not confident in any of my abilities.  By the time I started to take serious ice skating lessons,  my confidence began to improve.  However,  in the early 1970s when I took a skating dance test and failed (by very little), the judge told me that he would have passed me if I was 10 pounds lighter.  I was devastated! I was a naive teenager and didn't know better than to tell someone what he said. I was so hurt by what people said about me and took it too seriously.

My self-esteem improved greatly when I became a Christian.  However, it was not an short easy process. It's taken a lot of prayer and trusting in God to help me through my low self-esteem issues. I had to read many scriptures  and "mantras" (if you will) to myself to help "me" change my thinking about myself.  For example - I would say, "I am a child of God.  He loves me, and wants the best for me.  God made me and He doesn't make bad or ugly things."

As I've gotten older, my self-esteem has improved.  At this point in my life, I really don't care what people say about me.  I've learned to let all the bad influences roll off my back like water on a duck's back.   I've learned to accept my abilities (even though sometimes, they are limited) know the reality of them.   Sometimes, I fall back into my old bad habits of low self-esteem, but I daily have to remind myself that I am worth it or God wouldn't have anything to do with me.

My husband tells me often how much he loves me and how pretty I am.  I sometimes still have a hard time believing it.  He is always reassuring me.  It helps to have someone close to you that can be a confidence builder for you when you are tired and don't have the strength to do it yourself.  I know that every time I accomplish something, it will build my confidence and my abilities.  Getting my degree is a big achievement for me and I know when I walk down that stage and receive my degree, I will feel totally full of self-worth!

Journal entry 7 - Mind the Software

It is interesting that Dr. Fletcher thinks of your upbringing as writing the software of your brain.  I'v never thought about it like that.  However,  if my brain is such a "software," how would I rewrite it and in what capacity.  There are so many areas in which I was raised that are so different from people in the south.  It might as well be two different countries as far as I am concerned.  I grew up in a primarily white upper middle class family.  I saw my first black person when I was in high school.  We were not taught any racism in our family. The black person I knew was a girl we ice-skated with.  Her parents were well educated Princeton University professors and I thought all black people were "the same as us" in that they were well educated and lived at the same standard as us (the white upper middle class).  I didn't know any poor people (white or black) and nothing to compare them too.  So, in a sense, my "mind software" thought all people were the same. It was not until I moved to the south that I experienced racist comments (things I heard from older white people say) about black people.  I do not consider myself at all racist, and I didn't understand fully why these people felt this way.  In some respects, I or I mean my husband has experience a reverse racism.  By this I mean, that my husband has.  When he applied to the post office for a job,  he was told that he could never get in because he was not black and a woman.  He was told that on several occasions.  Now I know that sounds ridiculous, but in some respects it was true.  When he did finally get the job (mainly because his test scores were so high due to extra points added because of his military service),  he was different a minority.  Most of the people he worked with were black and female.  

It also seems to me that blacks and many minorities as well as the poor have more advantages than whites (male or female).  When I tried to get some scholarship money to help pay for school,  I was told that if I had any American Indian blood in me, if I was a single parent on a fixed income, or if we didn't make too much money,  I could get all kind of financial help.  There is so much money out there for the poor to go to college and as a "white middle class" woman there is virtually nothing.  It doesn't matter that I pay for my school out of my lousy $12,000 a year (which is well below poverty level) because they look at what we both make together instead of just what I make. Even still, what we make together is just barely above the "line" on what qualifies for a grant.  When it comes to certain things, the poor have more advantages that the middle class.

I remember when cell phones first came out.  I was in the grocery store and we were barely making ends meet.  Tollie had just gotten hired at the post office and money was still tight.  I stood in line and watched the person in front of me pay for her food with food stamps and was talking on a cell phone.  I couldn't understand how she could afford a cell phone and have food stamps and I could barely afford our food and was not qualified for food stamps much less a cell phone.

Over the years, it seems my mind's software has changed although I'm so sure it is for the best.  I am constantly trying to keep an open mind. I didn't mean to vent so much, but maybe that is a way of helping  me to retrain my mind by getting all this frustration of how things are so my mind can change its software.

Short & Sweet Synchronous

There have been so many instances in my life of synchronous that it is hard to pick out one.  Most of them are small things that don't seem that important. However, there is the one time when my husband Tollie and I decided to move to Louisiana in 1982.  This instance of synchronous happen though a space of time and not all at once.  We had both been living and working in a full-time, live-in, communal type of ministry in southern California.  We had only been married for a couple of years and had a 3 month old baby, a pet rat, and a cockatiel.  We had very little furniture in our very small apt.  We had to borrow $1000 dollars from Tollie's dad to move to Baton Rouge where Tollie was originally from.  Tollie had no job and we had no place to live.  We moved here on a step of faith.  We ended up living in the utility room in his sister's house.  Before we knew it, Tollie ended up with a job at the Post Office and later, we signed the final papers on a house that we had built.  As a matter of fact, we signed the papers exactly fours to the exact day that we arrived in Baton Rouge.  God has been so good to us.  Our house is not much to look at, but is is paid off!!

I can also think of another occasion of synchronous that has happen.  I home-schooled my kid for twenty years.  In the beginning when we were still struggling for money to live on, much less have money for books, there were many times that bad things happened that turned out to be good.  For example,  my husband got into a small car crash. Oh nothing real serious, just a small fender-bender.  Anyway, the insurance on the car gave us enough money to fix the car (with used parts) and have enough left over to pay for the books and curriculum I needed to teach the next year.  So, afterward, whenever anything bad happened,  we always looked for the good because most of the time, we needed something (like money for school or whatever) and God had provided it.  Weird, huh?