I have always had a low self-esteem of myself. I don't know why, I just have. We moved a lot when I was growing up and I never had a chance to get to know myself as a person. I know that sounds weird. Let me explain. I was born in the north (living as a northern child) then moved to the south, (now I had to become someone else - ie. "southern") and finally move back north again (back to becoming northern again - "God forbid" that I had a southern accent). I never quite knew how to see myself. Most of the time, the kids at school would relentlessly tease me about how I talked or acted or looked. I was one of those kids who had acne early and they teased my about my complexion. (of course later, when they started to have complexion problems, they stopped teasing me about that) I never thought I was pretty and was not confident in any of my abilities. By the time I started to take serious ice skating lessons, my confidence began to improve. However, in the early 1970s when I took a skating dance test and failed (by very little), the judge told me that he would have passed me if I was 10 pounds lighter. I was devastated! I was a naive teenager and didn't know better than to tell someone what he said. I was so hurt by what people said about me and took it too seriously.
My self-esteem improved greatly when I became a Christian. However, it was not an short easy process. It's taken a lot of prayer and trusting in God to help me through my low self-esteem issues. I had to read many scriptures and "mantras" (if you will) to myself to help "me" change my thinking about myself. For example - I would say, "I am a child of God. He loves me, and wants the best for me. God made me and He doesn't make bad or ugly things."
As I've gotten older, my self-esteem has improved. At this point in my life, I really don't care what people say about me. I've learned to let all the bad influences roll off my back like water on a duck's back. I've learned to accept my abilities (even though sometimes, they are limited) know the reality of them. Sometimes, I fall back into my old bad habits of low self-esteem, but I daily have to remind myself that I am worth it or God wouldn't have anything to do with me.
My husband tells me often how much he loves me and how pretty I am. I sometimes still have a hard time believing it. He is always reassuring me. It helps to have someone close to you that can be a confidence builder for you when you are tired and don't have the strength to do it yourself. I know that every time I accomplish something, it will build my confidence and my abilities. Getting my degree is a big achievement for me and I know when I walk down that stage and receive my degree, I will feel totally full of self-worth!
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